My Last Letter to My First Love

There’s a lot I want to say, and this is the only way I can do it. I know this letter will probably never make it to you, but I pray it does. I’ve read a lot of letters from those wondering whether their first love cherished their time together. I don’t have to because I know you do. Just like you, I also miss our time together. I miss the times we stayed on the phone for hours talking about everything. I remember every moment like it was yesterday. But that’s just it – memories.

My letter is to say thank you and sorry at the same time. Thank you for being my first love. I would never want to experience it with anyone but you. You made me see life in different colors. Life was full of excitement and passion. You showed me love and made me feel wanted. You stuck by me through thick and thin. I can’t forget the days when your texts made my heart pound, how we stayed up till 2 AM and still had something to say the next morning.

I got so used to starting my day with your calls. Now you understand why it was so hard for me when it stopped. I must admit you had me at hello. It is difficult not to glimpse back and open the vault full of memories. Our love was young and pure. It was only for us to share. Thank you because you raised the bar so high I now don’t want to settle for less.

Even though you were my first love, it breaks my heart, knowing you are not my last. I’m sorry I am not the easiest person to deal with. I’m sorry you gave up a big part of yourself to be with me. I’m sorry I let you down. You almost drowned because of me. I’m sorry I was a bit insecure, even though you always told me you loved me. Looking back, I can’t help but smile at how I dealt with my jealousy. You deserve the best that life offers. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry I have to watch it from afar. Letting you go was the hardest thing for me to do. It was hard watching you be with someone else, but I know she made you happier.

I was always angry and bitter because I wondered why it didn’t last long. At first, I was angry at myself. I questioned why I was never good enough. Or was I too much for you to handle? I thought you never cared because you promised me you’d always love me. Suddenly we lost touch, and I wondered when I drove you away. I wondered why you came back and then left again. I thought you were a coward because you knew I was shattered, but I was still hanging on. I’m sorry for being selfish and forgetting to consider your feelings. You needed time, too, and I should have given it to you. You needed space to get over our love, and I should have never questioned why.

I stopped convincing myself that you didn’t love me. Deep down, I know you did. It gives me great joy knowing you also value what we had. It’s not your fault it didn’t work out. It’s not mine either. We can blame it on bad timing or perhaps unfavorable circumstances. Our relationship was magical. It was strong and powerful. Sometimes I wonder why it ended, but I forget that even the best stories have endings. It was not your fault. I’m sorry we can’t live our happily-ever-after, but I’m glad you found someone to give it to you.

I made so many mistakes as I tried to heal. I looked for attention in empty people, and I was left feeling worse than I did when I lost you. I thought they would help me move on, but I was wrong for trying to run away from my reality. You were always on my mind because you are the only person who had my heart while it was whole.

Thank you because you left me with the ability to love. Because of you, I have learned not to give up on love. When you walked away, I taught myself how to be alone. I learned how to be at peace with myself. You made me understand that being single doesn’t mean being lonely. It took me time to work on myself, but I did. I needed to be broken now; I know what it means to be strong.

Time has passed, and we have strayed from the people we were. We lost bits of ourselves as time passed. It’s sad some of those bits contained traces of our love. We can never get them back, and it’s okay. Those two young lovers were good together, but we no longer are. I understand that regardless of how much you love someone, it is hard not to hurt them.

And even though we cannot be together, I am glad I have something to remember us by – our son. I am incredibly proud of us for bringing him to life — flesh of our flesh and blood of our blood. We’ve grown so much from who we were. I want you to know that I love you. I’m only choosing to love you a little less. It’s time for me to find my last love. I wish you the best too.

Always,

Your first love.

2 thoughts on “My Last Letter to My First Love

  1. I kept my letters from my time in the service. Love letters and family letters. I like the love letters, reminders we were young and brave once. The old letters from people gone now. Precious to me now. Us, who love to love. The first love, a part of our writing always. I enjoyed your words and thoughts.

    Like

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