New Dawn

Today was supposed to be a new day

Better

But still I have the scars of yesterday

The pain

Still fresh like yesterday

I miss you

But the smell of yesterday’s pain irritates me

The distractions

Frustrations

Betrayal

Make me act out

I can’t get these times I’ve spent

Loving you

I’m Still Here

Dear lover ex-lover,

I was willing to take a city

But you had to go all big

And promise me the world

Look at me now

Struggling to separate myself

From all these promises you made

Every word you said that included forever.

I loved you so much

I was not ready to be alone

Look at me now

Struggling to un-love you

Spending every time of my day

Trying to un-feel what my heart felt for so long

The hugs and kisses

And all the excitement I felt when I was with you.

All your feelings are gone

You are gone

But I’m still here

Trying to un-love you

Lower my expectations

And reduce my attention

What do I do with all these beautiful memories?

All these things that remind me how much I miss you?

I hate how I feel

Thinking about how unreal all these moments were

Wondering why you had to forget me so fast

I know I will never have my answer

Yet I yearn so much to know

All I know right now is that you are no longer mine

But I’m still here

Loving you silently

I’m Not Good Enough for You

It’s not easy for me to admit this

Deep down I wish it wasn’t true

But I know I’m hurting you and I’m hurting myself

Every decision I make is wrong

There are days I wish I could do more

Maybe I’m not good enough for you

It hurts me to say this

You deserve someone better

Someone who isn’t me

I wasn’t looking for love but I found you

Broken and damaged as I was

You were ready to give my heart a home

Maybe I wasn’t ready to be let in

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so many times

I try so hard to hide my scars and past hurt,

To hide my worries and anxieties behind this strong version of me you see

But every time I get scared the demons awaken and I mess it up

Then the fear of not being good enough slowly creeps in

We were both broken when we met

But you have been so brave

I’m sorry I let you down so many times

I deserve the love you give me

I want to be the woman for you

I want to be good for you

But the only thing I seem to accomplish is driving you further away from me

I’m crushed every time I see you go down in the flames I set

So I’m letting you go my love

Because you deserve someone who loves you right

It breaks my heart to know it isn’t me

It’s Too Late For Us

It's too late to change the past 
I picked my pieces and glued them back 
I cry for the days you forgot about me
Your love slowly taught me how to do it alone 
You said it was tough love 
We know this was not true 
I saved my heart for you 
My life I put on hold 
But I was just another girl 
Never good enough for you 
She had your heart 
I'm sorry she didn't care for it 
I would have done a better job I'm sure 
You didn't want me anymore so I walked 
For once I'll listen to my heart and not my head 
It's time I left you behind 
You've dragged me down so many times 
I miss the memories not you
So I'll carry them with me 
Because I'm chained to them forever 
L.O.V.E is a word you will hear 
I'm sorry it won't be from me. 

I Hate Myself for Loving You

I hate myself for loving you
For thinking that there will ever be an us
I hate myself for believing that you loved me
For thinking that you saw an us just as I did
I hate myself for wanting you to myself
For hoping that one day you’ll change your mind and pick me
I hate myself for being a fool and believing that you were real
That you wanted this like I did
I hate myself for putting my feelings last
For pulling myself back to accommodate you
I hate my heart for loving you too much
For overlooking all the signs that reminded me I’m not number one.
I hate myself for crying this much for you
And for questioning whether you deserve it or not.
Forgive me, I didn’t know my place in your life
For overstepping and asking for too much
It’s too overcrowded for us in your heart
Perhaps it’s time for me to say my goodbye
And carry my memories with me.

You Are Worthy

I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places,

I’ve left the wrong traces, met the wrong faces,

I’ve given out pieces of my heart to the wrong masses,

People that did not deserve a single piece,

In the end all I did was deny myself peace,

At some point I thought this is what I deserve,

Half a piece, half the attention was more than enough,

Unaware of the pain I was causing myself,

My heart was slowly deforming,

I was forcefully fitting puzzle pieces in the wrong places.

Slowly by slowly I learnt to let go,

Carefully I chose to fit the pieces where they belong,

I taught myself to give only in the same measure I was given,

I put myself first for the first time,

Then I realized how much I deserve more.

Girl you are worthy, and, no one should put you down.

Return to Sender

Dear Lover,

Oh! Sorry, I meant ex-lover. I’ve been staring at my phone for the past one week hoping you’d call. To be honest, I still want to hear your voice. I’ve been tempted so many times to dial your number. I’m scared to click the send button with a message I wrote about three days ago. “I want to see you.” That’s all it says. But then I remember that if you really wanted to see me, you definitely would.

Sadly I still don’t know how to move on from here. I have so many questions and you are the only one who has the answers. Are we still together? Did you move on but forgot to mention it? Are you okay? I still care but it’s heartbreaking because I don’t get the same feeling from you.

Is it weird that I am still hopeful that we can work this out? The past one month has been tough for me. I’ve been hurt trying to fix us. I know I would feel much better letting it all go. I saw you yesterday and you were okay. I was so close. I wanted to ask you what you were doing with her but then I thought, maybe she makes you happy. And I just walked by. Don’t you think I deserve some answers?

If the love is lost why would you not tell me? If you don’t feel the same way anymore, why would you not tell me? I’ve been through a lot trust me I’m a tough girl and I can handle anything. At least this is the only consolation I have right now.

I miss you but I know I’ve lost you already. I’m fighting a losing battle. I can see it. I just want to convince myself that it’s a phase and it shall pass. Well, who am I kidding, it’s over, I know it. I won’t try again.

I’m already convinced that you’ve moved on and I want to wish you the best but not right now when I’m still healing. Not right now when I’m still stuck with all these questions. For some reason, I’m still here, waiting. So, a goodbye is enough for now ex.

Signed,

The girl who still cares

I’ll Be on My Way Now

It’s useless to think about you,

I need to stop asking questions,

Yes, I need them answered,

But I guess you don’t want to.

I loved you in every way,

I put my life on hold for you,

You were mine, or, at least that’s what I thought,

I was ready to fight for us.

Then suddenly you drifted apart,

I wanted you to stay,

But you had other plans, now I can see,

I wish you the best is all I can say.

I hope she treats you right,

I hope she is everything that I’m not,

I have questions, but,

I don’t need the answers anymore,

I can’t tell if you’re happy or not,

But, I know I am and,

I’m ready to move on now.

To The Man Who Didn’t Want Me

Thank you for leaving me.

Thank you for not wanting me, it’s mutual now.

It took me time to heal I bet you don’t know this. I spent the better times of my days wondering what I did to push you away. I used to think it was all my fault. I wondered why you chose to leave without any warning.

In my most vulnerable times, I questioned why I was never good enough for anyone – for you. Now that time has passed, I understand. Yes, you were right, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

You were my favorite person. You understood me as stubborn as I am. You knew how to make me calm and relaxed. I loved you. I loved you because you understood me more than I did myself. You made me happy. I trusted you. It’s hard to understand why it ended.

And even after all my tears, it’s still hard to understand how I got to this point where I can look into your eyes without crying. I didn’t get my answers but I don’t want them anymore.

It’s okay that you were not ready to love me back no matter how much I loved you. I stopped blaming you because you can’t help how you feel. You can’t choose who to love just as I didn’t choose to love you.

You didn’t want me. Or should I say you didn’t want me the way I needed to be wanted? Yes, I wanted romance and someone to be mine. I wanted someone to talk to and hold my hand through my worst. At least we had these things for the most part.

You know what? Even though we had all these, you didn’t give me the one thing that I wanted the most – you. You were not ready, you said. I was just another girl, not the girl you’d introduce to your parents. You didn’t want me and this broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

I’ve grown since the last time I cried over you because I learned that you didn’t deserve me. Thank you for making me hurt. Thank you for the tears and for making me learn the hard way that not everyone deserves the love we give them. Thank you for leaving because I am happy now. I miss you but I’m never coming back and I’m finally okay with that.

Sorry I was Never Good Enough

Amid the choices and the voices in your heart, I chose to rest. It was a contest that gave me so much unrest, but I was ecstatic you passed the test. Your warm, bright eyes gave me so much zest, but it was our coalesced hearts that made me believe I was so blessed. Whether to Bucharest or Budapest, my heart truly had a place to call home, I guessed. 

I guessed I’d spend my life with you. That nothing mattered as long as I was with you. I was at peace until it took a sudden surcease. You had no choice but find a place to fix yourself. That it was time to seek a better you, you said. Oh, how I cried for you. Even though I shed a bucket of tears, it was not enough to make you stay, it appears. Sorry for letting you down was all I got after the years. 

I’ll pick my pieces and nurse my bruises despite the circumstances because I don’t want an appearance that sends the wrong messages. I’m strong enough never to go bananas so watch my pace. It’s not you; it’s me you confessed before you set out on your quest for the best. Sad you were too busy trying to find yourself, in between you let me lose myself. Pity I was not as important as I thought I’d be, because all I knew was how to be a better me for you. Please stay were my last words to you, oh how I loved you. 

So now I’m in a pursue to renew myself. I cannot tell when this will be due. I’ll pick my battle with the big guy himself. He had promised me a better you for myself. I believed He gave me the chance to be with you. It’s time to tell Him sorry I was never good enough. Take your time and seek the better you. I hope you find what you’re looking for too. I pray it won’t be too late for us. For now, I’ll pick my broken pieces and fix me too. I’m trying to tell my heart it’s all untrue, for I know it will take me time to pull through.