New Dawn

Today was supposed to be a new day

Better

But still I have the scars of yesterday

The pain

Still fresh like yesterday

I miss you

But the smell of yesterday’s pain irritates me

The distractions

Frustrations

Betrayal

Make me act out

I can’t get these times I’ve spent

Loving you

A Letter To The Man I Wish Was Mine

I taught my heart to love you a little too much

I’m not ready to let it watch you love someone else.

Before we met I fought hard to make you stay

Because I didn’t want it to end before it even started.

I wanted you to see me beyond messages, phone calls and video calls.

It didn’t bother me that I was fighting alone.

I know this long message won’t change how you feel

But it will at least give me closure.

It all stopped. The calls, messages, feelings of love.

It all stopped.

I’m still trying to figure out how you suddenly

Psycho-reversed it and put the blame on me.

I saw how you looked at me when we parted.

It wasn’t the same look you gave me when we met.

Deep down I knew I was seeing you for the last time.

I was powerless

I never thought it’d be this soon.

It’s too bad you didn’t give me the

 Chance to show you how much love I can give.

How much feelings I have that I wish I could share with someone.

And this is all I ever wanted with you.

Perhaps we weren’t speaking the same love language.

I know I feel something for you,

But I’ve been hurt so many times,

I know which tables I’m not invited to eat.

I’m not willing to go down the same path again.

So I’ll choose my heart over anything else

And I’m not ready to see it break again.

This is why I’m saving you the trouble

And pushing myself away

Before you do because

You might push me further away than here and I don’t want that.

I’ll always be your fun.

Number one-ish maybe.

I’m just not ready to tell the world about a story

That we never really gave a chance to start.

Pity I was just a pawn.

And I know I’m acting weak and a coward

But I’d rather be this than fight for something alone.

I Moved On

I cried for days when you left

You never bothered

I was too weak you said

I was too damaged

You were right

Part of me died when you left

I wanted you to stay

I was desperate

I was lonely

None of this bothered you

Now you’re back

Trying to get me to notice you

I moved on

I’m no longer bitter

I healed

You say you love me

I don’t feel the same

Your world is shuttered

I was there too

You dream only of me

I did the same

You cry for me

I filled a bucket for you

The skies are turning grey

My world split into two

But I moved on

And found someone who deserved me too

You feel like I did

Except you were never there when I broke

I Forgive You

I forgive you for the heart that you broke

I forgive you for the love that you lost

I forgive you for the innocent girl you made fun of

I forgive you for our little boy you walked away from

I forgive you for the responsibilities you ran away from

I forgive you for the cold days I slept alone

For the days I had no food, you had it all but never shared

I forgive you for taking me for granted

I forgive myself for expecting too much

For loving too much even when I was half loved

I forgive myself for the resentment that built when you walked away

I forgive myself for taking this long to realize that you were never really mine

I forgive myself for breaking my own heart when I chose to hold on

For the nights I cursed and cried and forgot how to move on

I forgive myself for getting stuck in the past

I’m letting it all go, ​this hatred is holding me back

I forgive you but I hope I never see you again

Thank you for the days that were real, 

For the son that is true 

And for the lessons that I learnt

I’m Not Good Enough for You

It’s not easy for me to admit this

Deep down I wish it wasn’t true

But I know I’m hurting you and I’m hurting myself

Every decision I make is wrong

There are days I wish I could do more

Maybe I’m not good enough for you

It hurts me to say this

You deserve someone better

Someone who isn’t me

I wasn’t looking for love but I found you

Broken and damaged as I was

You were ready to give my heart a home

Maybe I wasn’t ready to be let in

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so many times

I try so hard to hide my scars and past hurt,

To hide my worries and anxieties behind this strong version of me you see

But every time I get scared the demons awaken and I mess it up

Then the fear of not being good enough slowly creeps in

We were both broken when we met

But you have been so brave

I’m sorry I let you down so many times

I deserve the love you give me

I want to be the woman for you

I want to be good for you

But the only thing I seem to accomplish is driving you further away from me

I’m crushed every time I see you go down in the flames I set

So I’m letting you go my love

Because you deserve someone who loves you right

It breaks my heart to know it isn’t me

It’s Too Late For Us

It's too late to change the past 
I picked my pieces and glued them back 
I cry for the days you forgot about me
Your love slowly taught me how to do it alone 
You said it was tough love 
We know this was not true 
I saved my heart for you 
My life I put on hold 
But I was just another girl 
Never good enough for you 
She had your heart 
I'm sorry she didn't care for it 
I would have done a better job I'm sure 
You didn't want me anymore so I walked 
For once I'll listen to my heart and not my head 
It's time I left you behind 
You've dragged me down so many times 
I miss the memories not you
So I'll carry them with me 
Because I'm chained to them forever 
L.O.V.E is a word you will hear 
I'm sorry it won't be from me. 

I Hate Myself for Loving You

I hate myself for loving you
For thinking that there will ever be an us
I hate myself for believing that you loved me
For thinking that you saw an us just as I did
I hate myself for wanting you to myself
For hoping that one day you’ll change your mind and pick me
I hate myself for being a fool and believing that you were real
That you wanted this like I did
I hate myself for putting my feelings last
For pulling myself back to accommodate you
I hate my heart for loving you too much
For overlooking all the signs that reminded me I’m not number one.
I hate myself for crying this much for you
And for questioning whether you deserve it or not.
Forgive me, I didn’t know my place in your life
For overstepping and asking for too much
It’s too overcrowded for us in your heart
Perhaps it’s time for me to say my goodbye
And carry my memories with me.

Sorry

Sorry I didn’t fall as hard as you wanted me to

Sorry I picked my pieces all on my own

And put them back where they belong

There are bruises and stitches

But I’m glad I healed

Sorry I am not as broken as you’d hoped

Sorry I don’t think of you anymore

Sorry you don’t find my missed calls anymore

I found better things to do

Sorry I gave you my love

But you didn’t want it

Sorry you messed us up

But I know I had a role to play too

Sorry I moved on from the past

I don’t want you anymore

Sorry I left without goodbye

I’m not coming back

Sorry you miss the old days

We can’t have them back

Sorry for crying over me

You left me down but I rose back up

Sorry you don’t have a role in my new story

You ruined your chance

But thank you for playing your part

Regardless of the ending.

Sorry for Being Selfish

Every day I keep hoping you’d come back

I keep waiting for you

Forgetting that you liked me,

Yet I messed everything up

I don’t know how to be less me

I’m stuck with all these questions

As if your silence is not enough of an answer

I want you back, that’s for sure

I can’t have you, this I don’t know

I wanted so bad to fix us

I wanted to fix my mistakes

Your silence tells me you don’t want to

You said no but deep down I wanted a yes

I asked again and again

Hoping you’d change your answer

I’m sorry I was selfish

Not realizing that

The more I wanted you to stay

The more I kept forcing your heart

To be where it did not belong.

I Wish You Well

Your new family looks great,

Your wife smiles like an angel,

You must have taken your time before choosing her,

I dropped a tear when I held your son,

For a moment I wished he was ours.

This would have been us,

Today would have been our second anniversary,

But I had to go mess things up.

Is it bad that I’m not over you yet?

I mean I wish you the best,

But I’m not ready to be happy for you,

Because the wound is still fresh,

The guilt alive.

I still had a little hope of an ‘us’,

Now I know it will never be,

So let me wish you well.