New Dawn

Today was supposed to be a new day

Better

But still I have the scars of yesterday

The pain

Still fresh like yesterday

I miss you

But the smell of yesterday’s pain irritates me

The distractions

Frustrations

Betrayal

Make me act out

I can’t get these times I’ve spent

Loving you

I’m Not Good Enough for You

It’s not easy for me to admit this

Deep down I wish it wasn’t true

But I know I’m hurting you and I’m hurting myself

Every decision I make is wrong

There are days I wish I could do more

Maybe I’m not good enough for you

It hurts me to say this

You deserve someone better

Someone who isn’t me

I wasn’t looking for love but I found you

Broken and damaged as I was

You were ready to give my heart a home

Maybe I wasn’t ready to be let in

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so many times

I try so hard to hide my scars and past hurt,

To hide my worries and anxieties behind this strong version of me you see

But every time I get scared the demons awaken and I mess it up

Then the fear of not being good enough slowly creeps in

We were both broken when we met

But you have been so brave

I’m sorry I let you down so many times

I deserve the love you give me

I want to be the woman for you

I want to be good for you

But the only thing I seem to accomplish is driving you further away from me

I’m crushed every time I see you go down in the flames I set

So I’m letting you go my love

Because you deserve someone who loves you right

It breaks my heart to know it isn’t me

I Hate Myself for Loving You

I hate myself for loving you
For thinking that there will ever be an us
I hate myself for believing that you loved me
For thinking that you saw an us just as I did
I hate myself for wanting you to myself
For hoping that one day you’ll change your mind and pick me
I hate myself for being a fool and believing that you were real
That you wanted this like I did
I hate myself for putting my feelings last
For pulling myself back to accommodate you
I hate my heart for loving you too much
For overlooking all the signs that reminded me I’m not number one.
I hate myself for crying this much for you
And for questioning whether you deserve it or not.
Forgive me, I didn’t know my place in your life
For overstepping and asking for too much
It’s too overcrowded for us in your heart
Perhaps it’s time for me to say my goodbye
And carry my memories with me.

I Wish You Well

Your new family looks great,

Your wife smiles like an angel,

You must have taken your time before choosing her,

I dropped a tear when I held your son,

For a moment I wished he was ours.

This would have been us,

Today would have been our second anniversary,

But I had to go mess things up.

Is it bad that I’m not over you yet?

I mean I wish you the best,

But I’m not ready to be happy for you,

Because the wound is still fresh,

The guilt alive.

I still had a little hope of an ‘us’,

Now I know it will never be,

So let me wish you well.

We Can’t Be Friends

I’m sorry we have come to this,

I’m sorry I messed us up,

But I can’t be around anymore,

Baby we can’t just be friends,

I’m sorry this is the end for us.

I didn’t know this would happen,

That I would fall for you,

It all happened so fast,

It felt like ages to me,

I introduced you to my family,

Let my friends know all about you,

I don’t know how we ended up here,

I don’t know how I got to this point,

Where your name makes me cry,

Your memories piercing my heart,

Like they don’t want to stay there anymore,

The way you held me,

I felt like you’d never let me go,

Tell me how can I settle for being just friends,

No, I’m not ready to be seen as just your sister,

I don’t regret loving you,

I’m not tired of having you around,

I still feel something strong for you,

And that’s why I can’t just be friends with you.

A Letter to Anyone Struggling Through Life

If You Are Feeling Hopeless, Read This:

I know sometimes you feel like the world is crumbling down on you. Sometimes you forget how beautiful you are. I have had this feeling for a long time now. I just want to remind you that you are worthy. You are beautiful and don’t let anything or anyone put you down.

You may have some bad days. You will feel like your prayers are not being answered sometimes. I understand because I have been here not so long ago. I just want to remind you one thing, He (God) is not taking too long to answer.

He can never deny you whatever you want as long as it is in line with His will. So he is either telling you to hold on just a little longer or that He will give you something even better than what you want.

You will have bad days and feel like giving up. I understand but don’t forget that tomorrow is another day and another chance to start again. Teach yourself how to standup for yourself because whether you like it or not, this world is not as kind as you’d hope it to be. Do not let anyone make decisions for your life. Do not rely on other people’s opinion to move on and build your life.

Let go of the things and the people that cause you pain. You are only hurting yourself by holding on to something that isn’t worth it. There is someone out there watching, listening and promising you that everything will be okay.

Be you. Choose you. Be whatever you want to be. People will always find something to talk about. It’s your choice to choose what is of value and sieve out what does not help you grow.

Live your life and teach yourself how to react to tough situations that happen around you. I hope that my message gives you hope and helps you have a brighter day ahead. You are loved. Never forget this.

To The Man Who Didn’t Want Me

Thank you for leaving me.

Thank you for not wanting me, it’s mutual now.

It took me time to heal I bet you don’t know this. I spent the better times of my days wondering what I did to push you away. I used to think it was all my fault. I wondered why you chose to leave without any warning.

In my most vulnerable times, I questioned why I was never good enough for anyone – for you. Now that time has passed, I understand. Yes, you were right, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

You were my favorite person. You understood me as stubborn as I am. You knew how to make me calm and relaxed. I loved you. I loved you because you understood me more than I did myself. You made me happy. I trusted you. It’s hard to understand why it ended.

And even after all my tears, it’s still hard to understand how I got to this point where I can look into your eyes without crying. I didn’t get my answers but I don’t want them anymore.

It’s okay that you were not ready to love me back no matter how much I loved you. I stopped blaming you because you can’t help how you feel. You can’t choose who to love just as I didn’t choose to love you.

You didn’t want me. Or should I say you didn’t want me the way I needed to be wanted? Yes, I wanted romance and someone to be mine. I wanted someone to talk to and hold my hand through my worst. At least we had these things for the most part.

You know what? Even though we had all these, you didn’t give me the one thing that I wanted the most – you. You were not ready, you said. I was just another girl, not the girl you’d introduce to your parents. You didn’t want me and this broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

I’ve grown since the last time I cried over you because I learned that you didn’t deserve me. Thank you for making me hurt. Thank you for the tears and for making me learn the hard way that not everyone deserves the love we give them. Thank you for leaving because I am happy now. I miss you but I’m never coming back and I’m finally okay with that.